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©️Naas Educators

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This Deadly Mistake Could Rip Joy From Your Family!

The boy looked at his 10 year-old sister and scolded her: “I do not know what’s making you happy; why are you jumping about and laughing around? It seems like you have got no work”.

Can you pick out what is wrong in his expression? pause and go over it again.
It’s normal if you can’t see anything wrong, because most of us were raised to find such statements normal, but here is the very dangerous idea his statement carried: his statement meant that displaying happiness and joy shouldn’t be an everyday thing; rather, it should have a special trigger, and be reserved for special days.
Do you also believe this? Here is why you should not.

1. Our Role Model Was Not That Way.

Alhasan, the grandson of the prophet asked his father, Aliyy, about the Prophet’s character and the first thing Aliyy mentioned was: “The Prophet was always happy; there was always a smile and sign of happiness on his face”1
Our Prophet , about whom Allah said: “there is certainly for you, in The Prophet, a good example” would always cut a happy, smiling and lively figure, even on normal days when there did not seem to be a special reason. Of course, there were certain days that he was sad or angry, but those were not the normal days.

Happiness is exhibiting positive emotions which come from a place of feeling satisfaction about how things are going around us. It should be normal in Muslim families to always feel satisfied about how things are going around us — whether we are rich or poor, whether the day ended up with much sales or not, whether we failed an exam or passed.

Muslims understand that everything is the decree of Allah, and as long as they stick to the commandments of Allah, He would never decree for them except what is good.

In Muslim families, we do not need special triggers to be happy, it should be written all over our faces, on our walls, in our kitchens — even if there are no foodstuffs.

2. Their Happiness Is Your Own Benefit

Having happy children will put your heart at rest — if, and only if you open your heart to their joy and happiness and do not feel irritated by them.

If you feel irritated by their joy and happiness, you would be denying yourself the joy you should reap for free.

Imagine you have had a tired and worrisome day at work, then you return and hear your kids’ ringing laughter from afar, even though they haven’t had anything to eat that night, you are more likely to feel more at rest and happy.

When you go in, they approach you with questions from the lively arguments they had been having, but you do not turn them away by asking ‘what is making them happy in this situation’, rather you share in the joy and encourage it even though you worry about the fact that they have not eaten, so you answer their question and the laugh and continue their arguments.
If your worry level was 7, by now it would have decreased to 5.

In this situation, it is easier to explain how things had been at work, they are going to be supportive and understanding, and when you see a mistake from them too on such a night, the aura of love and mutual understanding would push you to carefully address it and help them.

Even with all the problems your family might be going through, both kids and parents would feel easy and happy.

If, on the other hand, you go home to unhappy kids who are not lively, the moment you go in, everything is silent and you do not feel the eagerness to share your worries, there is no mutual understanding, and everyone goes to bed hungry and sad. If, in such a situation, you notice a mistake from one of them, your previous worries are likely to make you flare up and further strain the relationship with your kids; the whole family would remain unhappy, grow farther apart and depressed; this one mistake would rip joy from your family and even if wealth ends up coming, it might be too late to correct.

3. Happy Children Will Achieve Better

Happy childhood memories are essential to a child’s developing brain, enthusiasm and willingness to learn and explore:

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Still on the bullying video.

I have seen many people pointing accusing fingers at the parents of the girl involved in the bullying.

I saw someone write, "I do not blame the girl; I blame her parents who did not train her well".

I also saw many parents talking about how they would have stormed the school and torn everything apart if their child had been the victim.

Nobody, though, is asking the real question: how were the kids who are doing the bullying raised?

When we are ready for that conversation, we will ask those parents going crazy on the internet to beat their chests, look us in the eye, and say, "The way I am raising my child, he can never become a bully".

Let's face it: were the bullying students specifically raised to become bullies? Is it not children of parents like you and me that are turning into bullies?

My problem is not that the parents of the bullies are being blamed, my problem is that if we ask those blaming the parents what they mean by 'they did not train the girl well', you will hear the most horrific explanation.

Most of those saying her parents did not train her well simply mean the parents were not harsh enough with her and should have noticed early on that she had bullying tendencies and beat the living daylights out of her. That is their myopic solution.

The irony of it is that these parents advocating for tough disciplinary measures may inadvertently be contributing to the cycle of bullying.

When children are raised in environments devoid of empathy, where punishment reigns supreme and they are beaten for every mistake, accused unjustly, and not allowed to express themselves, they are likely to become one of two things: 

1. Either they turn into bullies themselves because they too now have the opportunity to wield their power on someone weaker the way their parents used to wield it on them without empathy or control, or...

2. They become so meek, victimized, and scared that they become the bullying victims who can't stand up for themselves.

It is difficult to raise a child in an environment where you never show empathy and expect him to be balanced by being empathtic towards those weaker than him, and be able to stand up against those stronger than him. 

This is not rocket science, go and look for videos of kids who are very empathetic and nice towards their younger siblings, you will see that most times, it is because that is how their parents are with them too.

So, if your solution to bullying is more bullying at home, just know that you will likely raise a more aggressive bully or a bullying victim.

©Naas Educators

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